What I Know About Prayer

What I know about prayer:

Not much.

But I know enough to be a believer.

I have a visual image of prayer:

 I speak it out.

Sometimes, I give it a little push.

I blow on it.

Just a little puff...like a

breath on a birthday wish or a dandelion.

I visualize it rising.

We have lift off!

 I imagine it sprouting little wings..

It's like mailing a package, really.

"Is it fragile?"

Yes, this ones' fragile.

"How soon do you need it to get there?" 

As soon as possible. 

Priority  prayer..

"Does this prayer contain any liquids?"

Possibly a few tears..

"Would you like to buy insurance?" 

The prayer itself is my assurance. 

 I do my part: The asking.

It seems to be set up this way.

The formal request.

Also known as: "The initial request"

Because some prayers need repeating/resending.

I don't mind the standing in line...or the waiting.

A lot of folks are mailing off prayers...

And, I've done my part..


"Tracking on this?"

You mean I can keep checking on it? 

No, that sounds like worry.

Worry is like adding too much tape to a package.

Adding layers you don't really need-making it impossible to open.

 A sticky situation..

No, I trust its course.

I've known this address for decades now.

The Lord and I sealed the deal.

His stamp of approval on questionable contents...

"Would you like conformation on this?" 

Oh yes, please..

In the form of an answer please.

And when I receive a letter in return,

I make sure I send off my thank you note.

It's the etiquette of the universe.:)

I

Onyx.The Big Black Dog.

A wild beast lives in my house.
I'm not sure how it happened.
Something about a "Puppy" and we can "Train it."

I'm waiting for that last line to manifest itself...

Onyx is so big and so strong, I often forget he is still a puppy
His year is running out.
He better start "Adulting" soon.

He runs down the hall in the morning to greet me.
Because he misses me..
and he loves me....
and I'm the only one awake.

I trip over him.
I continue on my hands and knees into the kitchen.
No rain of drool
Or dog hair mess
Shall keep me from my coffee press!

He bolts into my room in the middle of the night.
Because he misses me..
and he loves me...
and I'm the only one awake.
(Now that he's on my head)

Maybe this is his teenager stage and prefers his fun in the middle of the night.

I don't know...but it's annoying.

So is his cigar smoking.

Or whatever that smell is...

Onyx is a labrador retreiver.

Look..he's retrieving my bra.

I say "drop it!"

He stares me down.

I say "come here!"

That's him leaving with said item...

He chews my pot holders and kitchen towels.

There's not a pice of furniture (fabric or wood) he hasn't tried to eat.

I guess you can say we share the same taste in decor..

He eats my underwear.
In need of confession and in an act of repentance and restitution, he returns them to me.
In the form of vomit.

One night I made Aidan cry.
He cried because I yelled at Onyx
For a long time..
And then I yelled again.

Aidan looked at me in disgust.

I said: "But, he ate my shoe!"
"Aidan, HE ATE MY SHOE!"

Sometimes I don't even think I like this dog.

But then there's this:

And I almost forgive him..

Happy Birthday, Aidan

Happy 9th birthday, Aidan Lee Thomas!

This is your birthday picture!
You were only a few hours old.
We were just getting aquatinted!
Saying your name out loud...
Telling you how happy we were to finally meet you and how much we loved you!
We kissed your nose.
Passed you around and counted your fingers and toes.

A perfect little boy.
Perfect in a different way.

We didn't know at this moment what nine years later would look like.

It would be a different dream, on a different path.
There were slow starts.
Words that never came.
The silence was confusing. Frightening. Heartbreaking.

And then a diagnosis that makes you question the depths of your faith.
Unwanted but, at least we knew.
It was a starting place.
No time to escape into the luxury of denial.
Not when reality was staring us down.

So, here are some things you do:
You invite the truth in.
You entered a dark place..but your eyes adjust.

You guard your optimism.
You leverage your faith over your fears.
You live outside your own heart.
You experience a fatigue you have never known before.

There are doctors visits and hospital stays .
This treatment.
That pill.
A new and complicated diet.
It seemed at times that we were chasing our own tails.

 Circles.

There was progress, then two steps back.
Bargaining with God and prayer requests.
Healing services and heart cries poured out on paper.

Stress tries to scoop you out from the inside leaving you hollow.
Sometimes there are just not enough hours in the day.
Some days are just too long.

You see the world continue on while yours gets smaller and more isolated.
But that's okay because you're too tired to try to keep up anyway.
Help shows up in a different shape and form than one might expect.
It fills you up again..

Because the fight is on.

The motivation comes from Aidan himself.

You learn things about yourself, such as:
Dispare and hope can coexist in the same heart.

You hear yourself saying things that aren't exactly true:
"He seems a little better.."
"We're fine"
"No, there's nothing you can do"
Because the sheer awkwardness and weight of the truth is too much to be told.

Your house starts to look like a hospital room.
Medical equipment and supplies are your new accessories.
Rugs are removed because wheels are the new legs..
Not exactly House Beautiful..
But that's ok..you'd be amazed at what you'll find beautiful.


We have goals for you Aidan.
A life worth living because your are cherished and lavishly loved.
We will never stop seeking a way to make your life better.
Never.

If heaven had warned us and said:
"This one may make your heart bleed and your eyes flood.
This one will bring you to your knees in a kind-of grief that "looks like weakness and feels like surrender." This one will meet physical barriers that will not allow him to be fully included in society.
This one may be prejudge and exclude. This one will need extra care. There will be very little sleep.
You might feel alone...but you are never alone."

Our answer would have been "yes."

Do you ever hear a secular song and receive it as a prayer?

This one has always felt that way:

"When the night has come and the land is dark and the moon is the only light we see.
No, I won't be afraid. No I won't be afraid..as long as you stand by me."


So, this is what it looks like 9 years later..

Happy Birthday, Aidan..We love you!

Seasons of Life

Autumn has arrived! 

Does it seem to you that it happens suddenly? Incrementally AND suddenly? 

You get into your car and start to drive and all at once you're in the midst of vibrant ruby reds and deep orange bursts of color? 

That's my experience every year and I always have the same Steve Jobs reaction: 

"Wow,Wow,Wow!" 

When Fall makes her appearance on the East Coast, there is no mistaking her.

 She creates a Cinderella entrance and after living in Virginia for 33 years, her beauty still takes my breath away. 

She brings crisp, prepare-something-pumpkin-kind-of-weather. (and let me get my scarf on first..) I want something warm in my mug and develop a desire to participate in random acts of pastry.

I wish she would stay longer..but like Cinderella she has a curfew. A set exit strategy and she seems in a bit of a hurry to leave!

In her rush, Cinderella left a shoe behind. Fall leaves the party half naked! And makes a mess while she's at it! Dropping her leaves everywhere like a woman trying to decide what to wear and before she knows it - the entire contents of her closet is scattered all over her bed. 

Or so I've heard...

Then someone (hopefully one of the much younger people living in my home) will have to pick up after her. 

Raking up whatever is leftover from her Haute Couture Fall Collection...

Then it's haste la vista, baby! Make room for Old Man Winter and his famous work of art titled: Whiteout. 

He's a no frills kind-of guy and if he's not too grumpy he might let us keep our electricity..

Fall also graciously hosts my granddaughters birthday! You can clearly see how old she is:) 

She learned this for her big day! 

"How old are you, Penny?" And up pops her two bunny ear fingers..

"I'm two!" 

Aw....I'm loving this season of life with grandchildren. We learn a lot from each other! Like a recent lesson learned with Penny in the grocery store. We we standing in line and she was very intently looking up at me and sort of flapping her mouth open and shut and performing an awkward chewing motion. It was a cross between a snapping turtle and a cow chewing cud. 

It was bazaar looking and I was trying to figure out what the heck she was doing (and if I needed to call 911...) and then I realized she was mimicking me....chewing my gum. 

I no longer chew gum...

Humbling lessons learned in a check out line from a (bunny fingers up!) two year old:)

When Aidan was a toddler he would tiptoe into my bedroom early in the morning and climb into bed and make the sign for "book" which meant he wanted me to tell him a story. 

For some reason, Aidan liked to touch my face when I read. Over time he would touch a certain spot on my face with one finger. 

I'd like to say it was a freckle. 

Freckle is a cute word. 

But alas, it is an age spot. 

Not a very cute word. 

It's about as cute as the word 

"Incontinence" 

So, I decided to call it my ..

"Not Freckle" 

My Not Freckle is below my left eye, and there his finger would rest as I read or told a story.

I'm a cud chewing spotted cow..

You have no idea about these sorts of things until you have grandchildren!

For many reasons my Not Freckle holds sweet memories for me and if I had the chance to have it lasered off, I wouldn't take it. 

I might for those other members of Not Freckles family who are definitely age spots and not cute at all. Squatters who have no permission to be on my personal property!

One of the precious things I love about my grandchildren are their laughs. 

Honestly, if I could bottle them up I'd have some kind of miracle cure, for sure. 

Maybe even the fountain of youth in a cream!

But I'd put it nowhere near my Not Freckle!

Not Freckle feels like Home.

"Children's children are a crown to the aged" ~ Proverbs 17: 6

Amen. 

Be Honey

I just spent seven days in a hospital. 

Not as the patient.

My brightly colored bracelet read “Patient Care”

AKA:  “Wife”

This bracelet allowed me to sleep in the patients room, have my parking validated and drink as much ginger ale as I liked - until I could recite the alphabet in burps. 

(In a hospital, entertainment is up to you….) 

I could sleep in two chairs pushed to gather, the window bench or, if lucky, (and an order got issued) a cot. 

If you see a cot roll into the room, you might feel as though you have just won the lottery, burst into tears and wonder how in the world Publisher’s Clearing House found you in the hospital!

But, after one night, I decided I preferred the window seat. 

It had a window. 

A window in a hospital room is important. It reminds you that this is a pause in life. Your real world awaits...

In a hospital, nothing is more true than this adage: 

“You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar."

YOU DO NOT, under ANY circumstance, want to annoy your nurse. 

DO NOT ANNOY YOUR NURSE!

Bruce Lee said “Be Water”

I say..”Be Honey” 

I noticed, in my seven day stay, there were three types of nurses:

The Excellent

The Good

The Bad

1)The Excellent Nurses rise like cream and you usually find them in the the ICU where it’s literally a matter of life and death. We had three excellent nurses in the ICU. They might as well have been doctors - excellent in their care and knowledge. Thoughtful, caring people who said things like “guests are not allowed to sleep in the ICU rooms, but if you fall asleep in that chair…I won’t wake you." 

2) There are many Good Nurses. Most people who have a calling into nursing are caring, good people. Good Nurses are also happy people! In seven days, there’s time to get a peek  into a life. I noticed that the happy nurses, as much as they love their work, have more going on then their hospital jobs. It's not their only source of fulfillment. They salsa dance…

3) The Bad Nurses steal your iphone charger. 

But, you’ve been warned. 

“Do not leave your valuables in your room unattended." 

But honestly, with all the losses that can occur  in a hospital…I'll take an iphone charger. 

Thankyouverymuch.

And, Your  welcome…..

Random hospital observations: 

All the doctors looked about 18. 

 How did I possibly arrive at my age without earning my medical degree?…..

Alas, it’s too late for me. No one wants a doctor who can’t remember where they parked at Krogers..

But, it’s never too late for crochet!

About as close as I'll get to stitching anything…

2) It’s OK to walk around in your PJ’s. We’re all Wal*Mart People in a hospital…

3) If a hospital volunteer sees you sitting alone in the dinning area - they might strike up a conversation! Like the friendly 86 year old man who asked how I was. He told me he was just glad to be above the grass as opposed to being under, and that before his work at the hospital, his career was in hospitality.

He said in his field, the term “86” had a certain meaning. 

“Out” 

“Off the list” 

He said he hoped to make it through his 86th year with out being kicked off “THE LIST”

He said he enjoyed life, work and people. 

He said he was slowing down a bit - and that it took him and hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes. :) 

“Laughter is as a medicine”~ 

I started to wonder if I knew any 86 year old women I could introduce to this kind, humours gentleman. 

And by “any other women”…I meant my mother. 

I would love to sit across from him at my Thanksgiving table. 

He and his conversation were what I was thankful for that day.

One tends to count their blessings in a hospital..

I think of him often.

I pray he stays on “The List” for a long, long time. 

The Good Nurses encourage walking. 

Lots of walking. 

Walking around in little circles allows you to peek into other patients rooms and wonder if they still have their iphone chargers…..

By day six, we ask if we would be allowed to walk in circles outside. 

We wanted to see and feel that big yellow circle in the sky. 

We're granted permission from our favorite Good Salsa Dancing Nurse. 

She unplugs the heart monitor my “patient” is tethered to. 

It feels like this: 

It turns out my “patient” wants to breakout.

He wants to get into the car and drive to Mc Donald’s for “good coffee."

(Never mind the very fine coffee station serving freshly brewed organic coffee, mocha’s, or any other skillfully prepared barista concoctions you can thing of right in the hospital dining area…)

My patient is the Marty Crane of "Can't a man just get a plain cuppa Joe around here?"

We do it. 

Faces are changed to protect the guilty.

I look down at my bracelet. 

This is not good “Paitent Care”

This is just NOT good patient care. 

I look over at his bracelets which say things like “Fall Risk”

I am 56 years old, and forgot to get my medical degree. 

I am a Bad Nurse. 

My crochet skills amount to the friendship bracelet  level….

By the time we are officially discharged from the hospital, we had three separate breakouts.

The first one was ridiculously frightening and guilt inducing.

The second time got a little easier. 

By the third, we were a regular Bonnie and Clyde. 

The third escape included an actual sit down meal at the lovely Oakhurst Cafe and Inn. 

Poached eggs in a wine reduction shakti mushroom sauce over asparagus anyone? 

Highly recommended on your next breakout.

(and no one seemed to mind a few wires sticking out of a t-shirt over pajama bottoms…)

When we got back from that outing, Salsa Dancing Nurse comments that we were gone for three hours and that must have been quite a walk!

“Three hours? Really? It didn’t feel that long - we better take a nap!….”

Be honey….

No one wants to be in the hospital. Unless it's floor 8 where the babies are welcomed into the world. 

The rest of us are sitting, crocheting in the family rooms waiting for a 6 1/2 surgery to be over and hear the doctor call your name and say it all went well. 

It's why there are so many touches of beauty around the place. 

A baby grand piano in the lobby. 

Beautiful art, pottery, fresh flowers in tall vases and sculptures on display. 

We need to wrap ourselves in beauty in the face of sickness and possible death. 

There's always pie. 

Thank you dinning people for the pie. 

When I look back at my seven day stay there, (and because I chose to focus on the positive)

I think a lot of people there were.... 

Being honey. 

And, I'm truly thankful for the good, sweet people who chose honey over vinegar. 

A Brief Blogging Intermission.

  This is a brief blogging intermission. For a little self-improvement.

It's exhausting trying to be a better human...

I'm on Day Three of the recent challenge I accepted from a speaker in one of my favorite podcasts.

The host always ends his podcast by asking his guests the same question:

"Given everything you know - not just in your realm of research but in your life experience - what top three things would you share with our listeners who want to perform better at whatever it is they do in life?"

This is the icing on the Podcast Cake for me.

This particular guests' number one was "Gratitude" she expounded on incorporating that into our lives.

I can' t even remember the second one..so that obviously didn't make much of an impact on me. (maybe I had my fingers in my ears singing "la-la-la-"- that's my go to position when I don't like what I'm hearing)

Her third one was a challenge.

I love a challenge.

She suggested we take a 24 hour period - and not complain about ANYTHING and to  recognize a complaint before we allowed it to exit through our pie hole.

I thought: "Well, I could do THAT! I'm not really much of a complainer!"

I actually thought that....

My first test came on Day One at 8:30 in the morning when I arrived for my dermatologist appointment.

Receptionist: "I'm sorry Ms. Thomas. I know you were told today, but your appointment is actually tomorrow. We have a new system, we are all trying to get used to it."

Me: "Oh"

Me: "So I get to come back....tomorrow.....at 8:30.....for my dermatologist appointment?"

Receptionist: "Yes"

Me: "Joy"

Like I said, I hate  love a challenge..

Researchers say that Day Three is hard when trying to break a habit or incorporate a new habit into our lives.  It's hump day.

Day Three for me on any diet I've ever been on could result in a carb related crime.

Hand over the croissant and no one gets hurt...

Day three for the smoker trying to quit, suddenly remembers that pack of cigarettes he hid..just for a time such as this - Day Three.

Most of my complaining takes place in my thoughts. They normally don't spill out of my mouth. Nevertheless, this is still an important challenge for me.

It's made me aware of the little things I find annoying.

Like other humans.

And can we talk about God's irritating sense of humor?

Firstly..opposites attract. So we marry them..

God smiles.

We have children and assume they will all love each other, love others and never need a lawyer before they are old enough to pay for one themselves.  After all, aren't our parenting skills stellar?

God giggles (but covers His mouth so as not to be rude....)

We enter the work force and know for certain that there is no I in TEAM! and we are all in this together so we'll obviously get along famously!

A laugh escapes through His fingers..

And as a Christian, there's always CHURCH! Our very people! Where we turn to the person sitting next to us (as our pastors often suggest) and "admonish one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and a spiritual song" I mean, what can go wrong in a church?

We're talking a full out belly laugh from the Big Guy now. Rolling laughter like thunder..tears falling like rain.

But, it's all for a purpose.

We need family.

We need community.

We need to learn humility and grace.

Grace: Simple elegance.

As well as the love and mercy given to us by God because God desires us to have it, not because of anything we have done to earn it.

I can't picture Mother Teresa complaining too much.

I thought about being a nun. But that was mostly due to a television show I was watching at the time where a nun (with a very aerodynamic habit) flew over rooftops!

Even at that young age I decided that probably wasn't too likely but I liked the idea of flying  so I decide I would be an airline stewardess. (that's what we called them in the olden days- now they are Flight Attendants:)

But that was mostly because I wanted to wear boots like this:

This was of concern to my mom.  She tried to discourage my idea by saying "Kelli, they are a little like a waitress in the sky"

Well..that backfired!

"Waitresses in the SKY!! Groovy! :)

I think at that point I started to worry my mom a bit. Before that  carrier path, I aspired to be an Ironing Lady!

What could possibly be better than ironing clothes all day?

This challenge/exercise is a peek into myself.

I'm hyper aware of my thoughts.

I've become hyper aware of my flaws.

In spite of that, I'm also aware that I can control what I think and how I chose to react in a situation or to a person.

I can better recognize my own inner self-critic and tell it to be nice.

I'm going to add this to three other practices I keep.

1) In the morning asking myself two questions: (suggested questions, but any two will do)

"God, what do you want me to know?"

"God, what do you want me to do?"

2) At night- finding three things to be thankful for. (pertaining to that day.)

3) When getting a new planner- flipping the months open and stabbing a day with a marker. On those days, as the year progresses, I do a random act of kindness in word or deed.

I like how she suggested that we take the challenge in 24 hour periods.

We are asleep for part of it so......:)

On my "off" days I'll just go to bed, with ice cream or chocolate.

So far, on this Day Three...I'm edging over the hump.

Want to take the challenge with me?

It's refreshing...and exhausting:)

Not that I'm complaining or anything...

On Being Human

Coming to the beach always makes me feel a little more human.

Vacations are like that, aren't they?

What IS this feeling anyway? (oh yeah...relaxation..)

The ocean has it's own smell and sound. It's easy to feel like you're outside your life a bit.

I take long walks on the beach. I unpack my mind.

I wonder why (in my real life) I don't take more early morning walks...

Probably has something to do with "early" and "walk"

I talk to the God of the universe on these walks - my source of power..the sower of my dreams..

Feet in the sand, sun on my face, sound of the waves rolling in my ears...

"Your thoughts—how rare, how beautiful!

    God, I’ll never comprehend them!

I couldn’t even begin to count them—

    any more than I could count the sand of the sea."

I'm amazed at how many shells look like little hearts. I notice this with every trip I make to the beach. I look for it-a love note..

This trip I found a little kitty cat. She's been my constant companion on my walks. I tuck her into the side of my bathing suit bottom and off we go! (I'd rather walk a dog..but she appeared to me as a cat..so what are you gunna do?)

 I like it when she winks at me.. Meow..

 With all the recent shark attacks (one at this very beach) we are all amazed at how many people are out in the ocean, neck deep. 

DON'T THE KNOW THERE  ARE  SHARKS OUT THERE?!

The five of us sit in a row in our beach chairs looking out for any signs of shark fins. (those of us who remembered to bring our glasses...) We discuss what we'd do in that kind of emergency. There's one nurse among us..we all look her way as if to say "It's all on you, babe" 

She's a good human. She'd do it. Whatever it takes..she'd do it. 

We have an HR Human..she would make sure everyone felt heard.

And if everyone started talking at once, we have a First Grade Teacher Human who could put her finger to her lips and quiet everyone down. (in the count of three.....)

An Accountant Human -highly trained to avoid errors and skilled in quality control. She could keep an eye on said nurse, sitting to the left of me..the one in which our pretend shark victim's entire life depends!

I never really realized how important MY skill set would be in a situation like this! As a Professional Bow-tire-er-on-er....I, of course, would tie the tourniquet. And, make it look beautiful....:) 

My thoughts on this trip seem to be wrapped around...our human condition. Everyone need to feel valued, appreciated and feel we have an important role to play. (like the five of us -superhero lifesavers!)  But, what if our piece of the puzzle doesn't easily slide in to the big picture of things? Edges all sharp and poky...different from the rest.  What if we're a misfit? How does a person like that ever relate..or feel human? 

These thoughts and more coming to "On Being Human..Part 2" , in a Bloggestshpere near you..

In the meantime, a nap sounds good:) 

I'm only human....

*Beachlife*