Aidan went to a healing service this weekend.
Desperate people do desperate things.
It was a five hour drive into northern Virginia, close to DC with preachers who believe that Christians should walk in divine health~ as if it was their birthright. Never sick, not even a cold. I have a little headache right now as I type this. I'm obviously doing something wrong...
I didn't make the trip, but I understand the trip.
We are desperate people.
So, I stayed home and prayed for the miracle we have all been praying for.
I'm not sure what to think. Are my prayers inferior to theirs? Am I not putting the words in the correct order? Are they more godly than I? Why would God answer their prayers for Aidan's healing and not my own? Still, better take him...just in case.
The feeling is reminiscent of when I was in middle school and chain letters were hot to trot.
( A little middle school lingo for ya:)
Braking the chain of a chain letter held a fate far worse than what could happen if you broke a mirror, walked under a ladder while a black cat passed in front of you and god forbid you might step on a crack and break your poor mother's back...
I never REALLY believed in superstitions, or the emotional blackmail of these letters but, I obeyed the directions and got that chain letter out of my possession as fast as I would clean up spilt salt and throw a little pinch over my shoulder.
You know...just in case.
Oh, I want to believe there is a miracle for Aidan.
When I pray for Aidan, I become just like him. Speechless. My prayers drop from my eyes. Surely the Lord understands this language. Tears pour out when the heart can't bear one more thing and there are no words left.
Apparently, tears are an earthly thing. The bible says there will be no tears in heaven. The reason for them are forever wiped away. It makes me wonder what they might look like magnified like this picture of sand.
Maybe the Lord will give us back our tears, in the form of beautiful gems in a jewel box. Just to prove that He saw every single one, and that something beautiful became of them.
If I were completely honest, I often feel like God isn't doing a very good job at being God. I mean, He is getting a little old. He's been around for....well, forever. Maybe His eyes are getting a little dim. I'm not sure He saw what happened tonight when Aidan hit the floor. Did He hear Aidan's cry? Or, is He getting a little hard of hearing..
They made the five hour trip back. No big miracle for Aidan, but we remain hopeful.
After all, that is what faith is all about. It comes with losses, lessons, second guesses, and doubt. But, then there are the victories. I've heard that praise is often birthed from pain.
What casts out fear? Perfect Love does.
So, my prayer tonight is this:
Show me the wonder of your great love~ Psalms 17:7
Signed, A Desperate Believer.
