On The Thug Life:

People..don't do the crime , if you can't do the time. Or, in my case, don't be such a lead foot if you would rather spend the 200 dollars for a speeding ticket on footwear.

Today was my court date. How embarrassing, but I HAD to go, it was a big one. I was hoping for a little mercy. Actually, I was thinking I would be in on one of those behind the scene deals. Just in and out. After all, I do have to be at work at 9:30 to open the store. I find a parking place right in front of the courthouse..three hour parking; plenty of time!

I try to decide what to take in. Not my phone I'm sure. Do I need ID? Because I'm really wanting to use this Passport again...

I set the metal detector off three times. Each time I remove something else. Here is a courthouse tip: Don't wear a belt..because then you get all fumbley taking it off because it feels a bit like undressing in front of complete strangers. I set if off again, and one of the policemen said the problem was my shoes. I admitted that I did indeed have a shoe problem..but, I'm pretty sure we were talking about two different things...

I ask if I have to take them off and go through again? No, he lets me go. Aw..my first taste of freedom!   I decide to comment on the beautiful courthouse. And, it IS beautiful and brand new..but, mostly I just want him to know that this is my FIRST time here. This is not my normal stomping grounds;) Now that he and I are well  bonded (that's a little jail humor) I jokingly ask if there is a little Starbucks in a corner somewhere. He agrees that would be a great idea..but, alas, they didn't even warrant (more jail humor.:) a vending machine. Ugh, now the chit-chat is done..and I make my way up to the courtroom. I walk slowly..kind of like I am dragging a ball and chain around. (ok, I'm done:)

I find my name under the list of Defendants. Kelli Jane Thomas. Oh, how embarrassing. Just add my birthdate. weight, and the real color of my hair and I am fully humiliated.

I people watch. It's nice to see the young men in suits and ties and then there are those who look like they just dragged themselves out of bed. Both will make an impression.

They unlock the doors. We file in. (resisting the urge at a jailhouse file joke)  A deal is offered! It's something like this:

I get in the line to accept the deal. Then, she announces to me (and everyone in the courthouse) I am not eligible for the deal. I will have to go before the judge. Ugh...why was I driving so fast?

I take the walk of shame and go back to my seat. (which by the way, looks like church pews. Just a house of sinners . ...)

I go over in my head what I will say: "Your Honor, as you can see, it was election night. It was neck and neck in this great Commonwealth of Virginia. I was hurrying to get from one TV to the next, thus my increase in speed....

No, better not go there. Even though I'm sure President Obama would feel my pain, as this weighty ticket may cause me to fall off my fiscal cliff.

I can hear everything in the courtroom, the clerk shuffling her papers the girl behind me chewing her gum. (they told us no gum allowed in the courthouse..and here she is, breaking the law in the middle of the law..geez) I'm worried I'll be late for work, then I realize I need to go to the bathroom. Can I get up and walk out? Can I get back in? Is this some kind of Hotel California? Maybe it's just because the young man  in front of the judge is here for urinating in public. I cross my legs. He explains himself by saying the 7 Eleven bathrooms were locked. It cost him 30 dollars to urinate in public. So, now I know.

The officer and I go up before him. The judge says  it looks as though I pleading not guilty. I'm a little confused. I look over at the officer and say "Well, I guess I'm guilty?" The judge laughed. He actually laughed. I'm not sure if this is good or bad. He said it didn't really matter..he just had to proceed with something. The judge asks if I would like to say anything. I ask if it would be possible to take a drivers improvement class (like those other lucky people who got to leave an hour ago and were spared this heart pounding testimony..and not that I NEED a class.....) He asks how my driving record was. I'm trying to decided if  a recent failure to obey a traffic sign is necessary to divulge. I decide it's not and say "It's good". He asks my officer if I was compliant. He replies:  "very".

The judge dismisses it.

It's 9:30 in the morning...and this girl needs a drink. A double. And make that a Venti..with extra whipped cream.